Introduction To Toxic Relationships
When it comes to dating issues especially in millennial relationships. I think toxic relationships are at the top of the list. It’s almost the cool thing to have. You know, all the fighting and yelling at each other. All the drama it’s almost expected in relationships now.
It feels like nowadays if your relationship isn’t toxic then it’s boring. But perhaps maybe you don’t even know what a toxic relationship is. You might be in one and don’t even know it. Maybe you are dating right now and you’re not sure about the person. Well keep reading as I break down what toxic relationships are and how to escape it if you are in one.
What Are Toxic Relationships?
“A toxic relationship is any relationship that is unfavorable to you or others. The foundations of any relationship, healthy or not, are most commonly established upon mutual admiration and respect, but can, in time, become remarkably unhealthy.”- Asa Don Brown Ph.D.
“Unfavorable To You Or Others”
The first thing that jumps out to me about that quote is “Any relationship that is unfavorable to you or others.” If you’re in a relationship that you no longer want to be in.
If you are in a relationship that you don’t like. Then you are in a toxic relationship. Whether it’s a relationship with a friend or a significant other it’s all the same. On the other side if you’re in a relationship and your significant other doesn’t want to be in a relationship and you “force them” to stay in it. It becomes a toxic relationship.
If you are at a job you don’t like do you usually perform well? Do you put all of your effort into it? Some of you may, but a majority of you don’t. You wake up angry, you dread going there every day and question why you are even doing this.
There are other opportunities out there for you, but maybe you are scared to take that risk. There could be something at your job that’s keeping you. Maybe it’s the pay. It could be the benefits or an opportunity at moving up. However still you are not happy in your position and it becomes a toxic work environment for you. Sounds familiar? How about I break it down some more.
For example, You wake up next to him everyday angry, you question how have you put up with him for so long. There are other men out there that you could date. But you fear having to start over. Maybe it’s the sex that keeps you.
Maybe the financial security he provides or promises of marriage. You always dreamed of that big wedding. Do you give him your all or are you emotionally checked out?
Like at work just going through the motions or lashing out at him because inside you know you no longer want to be with him and feel trapped? That’s an example of a toxic relationship something many of you have been through before or is currently going through now.
“In time, become REMARKABLY UNHEALTHY”
The last part of his quote also sticks out to me. Your relationship can become unhealthy in a lot of ways. Abuse being one of them. The thing about abuse though is it’s not just not physical abuse but also verbal abuse and psychology abuse. Some people may even confuse these types of abuse for affection.
People who has not learned to Love Themselves usually fall victim in these types of relationships. People who has not learned how to love often become the predators.
They may even think that their abuse is a form of love oblivious of their actions. However no matter what kind of abuse it may be, the common denominator is that they are all predicated on tearing down the other’s self esteem.
No matter if the recipient is male of female. Whether it’s a woman belittling her man about how much he makes or a man grabbing a woman during an argument it all works on tearing down their self esteem and showing their dominance by controlling their partner.
Warning signs of toxic relationships?
You may be single right now. Maybe talking to someone who may potentially be your next “Bae”. Been on a few dates and you’re really feeling him/her. But you may still be cautious wondering about possible red flags there. No one wants to enter into a toxic relationship. Well I’m here to tell you about these red flags.
History Repeats Itself
A lot of times the easiest way to predict potential toxic relationships are to ask about their past relationships. Obviously people won’t tell you the whole truth or will tell you “their” truth. However a lot of time you can see past their BS and put two and two together and find a pattern.
I’ll use an example. I was dating a woman. She was a nice woman. She was smart and funny had the cutest laugh. You know one of those laughs that makes you laugh. I genuinely had a great time being around her. So we went out to dinner. While we was waiting for our dessert I was curious. I had to ask: “Why is a woman like you single? It doesn’t make any sense.” She laughed and of course I had to snicker too.
Then she got quiet for a second so she could gather her thoughts. She smiled and folded her hands and gave me her answer. She said, “I haven’t met a guy that can handle me yet. I need a man that can deal with my mouth and deal with my attitude, I need a man that can put me in my place.” That right there was a huge red flag for me.
Even though on the surface she was a great person for me I knew as far as a relationship we wouldn’t work out. History repeats itself and she proved in the past she verbally abused her men and not only that. She also wanted her man to verbally abuse her back which is something very common in millennial dating.
Control Freaks
Almost everyone will develop a relationship with one of these types of people whether it’s a controlling friend or a controlling significant other. The red flags usually comes quickly. As a control freak typically won’t take long to show it’s dominance and control over you.
The problem is you may ignore the red flags or in some cases you may even find it attractive and let it continue enjoying the ride. You enjoy the ride until you are “stuck” in a committed relationship and realize that the roller coaster isn’t fun anymore. Because once a control freak loses control they freak out. Pun intended.
They will do anything to regain control and will use a variety of tactics. Psychological abuse, verbal abuse and even physical abuse to keep their control. They typically get with people with low self esteem to make it easier but they are master manipulators. Often bringing even strong willed people to their knees.
It can be that attractive women uses her “Assets” to control her boyfriend to get what she wants from him and letting him know that he’ll never find anyone like her. Or a man that calls his women a bitch or hoe all the time telling her she won’t be nothing without him tearing down her self esteem. The control freak may very well be the biggest red flag. Do not let the charm fool you. Toxic relationships with them is not fun.
The Aggressor/Hot Head
While the control freak is the biggest red flag. The Hot head is the most dangerous of them all. Cause there are different types of them. Some more subtle than others. But they ALL risk physical harm. Maybe the scariest one of all is the person who may suffer from bi polar disorder.
Or have similar symptoms. They are the kind of people where you have to walk on eggshells became you never know when you’ll set them off or how they’ll react once you set them off. Being in a relationship and having to walk on eggshells is not something I think anyone should have to go through.
But what makes them so scary isn’t the fact that your on eggshells it’s the fact that usually once they calm down it’s almost like they are not aware of what they did. She’ll curse you out and say very hurtful things then when she calms down she’ll cuddle and apologize to you. You have the man that chokes or strikes his woman when he goes off and when he sees her crying he apologizes and tells her he didn’t mean it and holds her.
These are the type of people that gets trapped in that loop that keeps going back to those toxic relationships because they see good in them or even falls in love with one side or their significant other and just “deals” with the violent side.
And course there’s the hot head that has no cool down and just blows up over everything and anything. You know the ones with the quick tempers that can’t control their anger. They show their true colors quickly and my advice to you is to get out it before it even starts. Because nothing good will come out of it..
Ending Toxic Relationships
Once you realize your relationship is toxic how do you get out of it? The easy answer would be just break up with them but of course it’s never that simple. Who knows how they will react. They could get violent. They could coax you to stay with empty promises or apologies.
Some may go as far as to threaten to commit suicide to keep you from leaving. I’ll also say this because it needs to be said. Just because you have children doesn’t mean you should stay in a toxic relationship with someone. Some people will use children to keep you.
Just because you are married doesn’t mean you should stay in a toxic relationship. Some people will stay in a toxic relationship for shame of getting a divorce or separating. When you end a toxic relationship you tell your partner that you are ending it and you explain why to them exactly why you are ending it.
As I said before the person could react violently. If that is the kind of person you are with. Then it may be ill advised to do this in person. Maybe over the phone or through text would be better. If you live with the individual go somewhere safe if you can. There are several sites to call in case of an emergency. For women there is:
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/get-help
https://dayoneservices.org/verbal-abuse/
For men there is:
https://www.thehotline.org/2014/07/22/men-can-be-victims-of-abuse-too/
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/help-for-men-who-are-being-abused.htm
http://help4guys.org/get-help/immediate-help-for-victims/
And of course there is 911.
Can You Fix Toxic Relationships?
Everyone is entitled to happiness. No one should be forced into toxic relationships. Sometimes you may even need a break from a relationships to get your head together. You don’t have to be in a relationship to be happy.
Hell you may of been the toxic person in the relationship or maybe you both could have been. We all are not angels. If after reading this you do see yourself as possibly the toxic person in the relationship. Do some self analyzing. Is there ways to control your anger?
If there is a medical disorder you think you may have? Is there a way to get medication or another way to help? Even seeing a psychologist or therapist to help you find out why you may behave the way you do. You may have some inner demons that you may not be aware of. You don’t want to put someone through a stressful relationship because of things you are going through.
Thank you for reading, Make sure you like, share and subscribe and remember “love is confusing but we’ll get through it together.”
Have a great day!