LoveIsConfusing

"Love Is LOYALTY, SACRIFICE and COMPROMISE."

Lifestyle

How To Stay Sane In The Dating Game

Dating nowadays is so much simpler but at the same time so much more complicated. We have access to more options. We don’t even have to leave our couch to look for someone. Back then you had to go to bars or clubs. Maybe your friend puts you on to someone they think may be good for you. Or maybe you seen someone at work or in the neighborhood and you try your best cheesy pick up line and hope to get the digits.

Now there are things such as dating apps. Which is funny because back then people who used them were labeled as weirdos, creeps and people who didn’t have any game. Now it’s completely normal…..but I digress. There’s not only dating sites but also in last 10 years or so social media has tooken over. Dating is now happening in the “DM’s” of popular social media sites from Instagram to Snapchat. People can now meet the person of their dreams on their couch eating icecream while swiping their thumbs. Neat right??

However because there are so many options. There are so many more dangers. Modern dating can drive people insane. Catfishing, “Ghosting”, “Exposing”, Getting used for either sex or money, or even just getting your time wasted in general are dangers you can experience in the dating game. With so many risks when it comes to dating how can you stay sane in the dating game?

NEVER ASSUME LOYALTY

If you and that person aren’t officially together. If there’s no label on what you both are. Never assume loyalty from that person. It doesn’t matter how close your bond is or how intimate you are with them. Now I’m not saying you should be walking around feeling insecure asking or how many men or women the person your talking to is dealing with.

I’m saying you have to understand that alot of people are weighing their options and you(yes you!) are an option until they decide to make the relationship official. The woman you text “Goodmorning Beautiful” to could have five other guys she talks to text her the same thing. Hell ladies, it’s men that texts the 10 women they’re talking to “Good Morning Beautiful” and all of the women think their the only one.

Even if they hit you with the “cmon boo you the only person I’m talking too”. If they aren’t committing to you then I would take that with a grain of salt. You should always keep in the back of your head that you’re just dating and anything can happen.

Make Sure Your Healed From Your Last Relationship

I’ll be realistic about this one real quick. It’s VERY hard to completely heal from damage you may have had from a previously relationship especially if you were done wrong in that relationship. However I believe before you start dating again you should attempt to work on yourself first.

If you don’t know where to start. My friend an Author who specializes in self love and self care Siedah Speaks can help. “7 steps you can take towards loving yourself” and “Building your confidence before dating again.” These are both two articles I suggest you check out.

When you’re dating and still holding on to that pain from your previous relationships. You bring in alot of problems. Especially if the person or people you are dating is doing the samething. Plus I just don’t think it’s fair to expect someone you just met to suddenly have to take on all of your issues and emotional baggage.

Know What You Want

People who don’t know what they want tends to waste everyone else’s time…including their own. You don’t want to be that person. I’m not saying you should know exactly what you want but at least have a good idea. If are a super introverted man who hates partying don’t date a woman who goes to the club every night. Are there exceptions? Yes. Can opposites attract? Yes. Is it likely? No!

Also when it comes to your intentions you should also know what you want. You should also be honest to who you are talking to. If you just want to fuck…Let them know! If you want a relationship….Let them know! If you’re not sure…You probably shouldn’t be dating anyone until you know. Because that’s how either you get hurt or how you can hurt someone else.

Be Stable In Your Life

Okay I’ll be blunt. If you aren’t getting a consistent income and you’re sleeping on your mommas couch. You shouldn’t be trying to date anyone. Man and woman if you aren’t able to at least provide for yourself you are wasting your time. Time that could be spent getting yourself together.

For the men you don’t want to be that guy who asks the girl to pay for their first date. She won’t respect you afterwards. For the women it’s different because men are usually looked at to provide anyway especially in different cultures. So it wouldn’t be a huge deal breaker if she isn’t working.

Know The Red Flags

As I said before there are many dangers in the dating world. You have to pay attention to the red flags. Especially if you met the person online from either a dating app or even through social media. If everytime you try to plan a face to face meeting and there is an excuse. It’s a red flag. If your only conversations with them are over text. It’s a red flag. If the people close to them don’t know who you are. It’s a red flag.

Now I know those may be seem obvious but you would be surprised at how some people can date someone for months but never actually meet them face to face. Watch the show Catfish you’ll hear some crazy stories.

If the man you are dating tells you he wants a relationship but all of your convos with him always leads to him bringing up sex. Red Flag. He could be lying to get what he wants before “Ghosting” you afterwards. If a woman says she wants a relationship but wants you to buy her stuff or is asking you about a cashapp….yeah you might want to stop talking to her. Cause she is clearly using you.

You have to protect yourself in this dating world. Not everyone has your best interest at heart. There are people that want to use you, take from you, play you, manipulate you, or just simply waste your time because they have nothing better to do. So again I ask how do you stay sane in this dating?

Unless your relationship is official never assume you are the only one. Be careful not to bring your baggage with when you are dating. Make sure you know what you want and also make sure they know what they want. At the very least be able to provide for yourself and lastly be on the lookout for redflags so you don’t get played!

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7 Ways To Say “I Love You” Without Saying It

I am a big believer in the phrase “action speaks louder than words”. When it comes to people it’s good to pay attention to what they do before you pay attention to what they say. Now everyone likes to be told how much they are loved. In most conversations with our significant others we end our convos with “I love you” or “I love you too”. We love to be reassured or reminded by our lovers that they do indeed love us and care strongly about us. We want to hear those words. What about the action behind the words. Without the action the words are meaningless. How do you show someone that you love them?

Make Time For Them

Understandably we all have “ish” that we need to take care of. We have work and other responsibilities that we need to care of. It’s only so many hours in the day right? However like I mentioned in a previous article love is about sacrifice. If you love someone you’ll take some time out of your day to spend with them. Or even if you absolutely can’t you can still give them a call to check on them and ask them about their day. Hell it only takes a second just to shoot them a quick text. Time is very valuable so it only makes sense to spend time with someone in your life that you consider valuable.

Support Your Partner Through Their Tough Times.

You can say “I love you” all you want. But those words are truly tested during tough times. If your man loses his job will you have one foot out the door? If your woman gains 50 pounds will your loyalty to her start to wane? Everything won’t always be rosey. How you deal with your partner during tough times will show your love and your loyalty. During the tough times you should be by their side and supportive of them. Giving them advice and showing them that you aren’t going anywhere. They may even want space initially but even still you can show that you got their back.

Lighten Their Load

What’s one way you can show that you have their back? Well one way is to help lighten their load. If you and your partner have certain roles in a relationship and you know your partner is struggling. Help them out. If she usually cooks and cleans. Surprise her with dinner and a clean house and if ya can’t cook there’s always takeout. Without you even saying anything she’ll know that she’s loved and cared for by your actions.

Be Your Partners Biggest Fan/Supporter

We all have goals and dreams that we want to achieve and we tend to discuss them with the people we hold dear to us. Whether it’s goals in the workplace or just goals in life we are very passionate about them especially once we reach those goals. If your partner comes to you happy about something they acheived don’t be dry or dismissive about it.

Now I’m not saying you should be waving poms poms at them cheering. But you should show them that you care. If your man comes in and tells you that he got promoted. You should be visibly happy. A little “OMG I knew you could do it babe!” And maybe fixing his favorite meal to celebrate could go a long way to showing how much you appreciate him.

Being A Great Listener

There’s a difference between hearing someone speak and actually listening to what they are saying. Hearing is easy however listening requires you to consciously pay attention to what someone is saying. If you care about your partner you will listen to them when they are trying to communicate with you. Whether it’s an issue they may be having in their personal life or if it’s just them prattling on about something that happened at work. Sometimes they may just want your undivided attention while they vent their frustrations or just talk about their day.

Show Affection

This may sound simple but affection is very important to your partner. I’ve even written a whole article on “AFFECTION”. Showing affection to your partner is probably the most direct way of showing them that you love. Especially if that person is going through things or just simply had a bad day. A simple kiss on the forehead even simply just holding them can speak a thousand words. A physical touch can communicate so much emotion without speaking a word.

Going Out Of Your Way

My short definition of Love is simply, Loyalty, Sacrifice and Compromise. Loyalty is being there for someone or doing things for someone when you know or expect you won’t get anything from it. A very rare trait indeed. When you go out of your way to make your partner happy it shows love.

Showing up to her job in a snowstorm on foot to surprise her with food on her lunchbreak is a perfect way to show her that you love her….ok I’m clearly exaggerating but you get the point. Going up and above for your partner shows them that you’re willing to Sacrifice and Compromise for them. Which are the two things that keep healthy relationships strong!

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The Importance of Confidence in a Relationship

The Importance of Confidence in a Relationship

It seems that more and more people these days are struggling with their self-confidence. While I’m not sure if this has to do with today’s generation and our dependency on personal affirmation through social media, it can certainly have a lasting impact on our lives.

Not only do your confidence levels impact your career, appearance, and general outlook on life, but they can also have a serious effect on your relationships. Here are some of the reasons it’s crucial to feel self-assured while in a relationship, and tips on how to build back up your own confidence.

It changes how you communicate

Relationships are all about communication between you and your partner. Healthy communication includes productive conversation and conflict resolution. If you suffer from low self-esteem, however, you can experience mood swings and have difficulty finding the courage to advocate for your own needs. This frustration and anxiety often leads to confusion and arguments that can damage your relationship.

But, low self-image is not a life sentence and doesn’t have to affect how you and your partner communicate. An effective way to improve your relationship’s communication can also improve your confidence: taking some alone time to reflect on yourself.

Instead of harping on your failures, ask yourself what your strengths are. How can you use those strengths to address your shortcomings in communicating? Use this insight to inform how you approach your relationship as well. How do you and your partner differ in communication attachment styles? Under what circumstances do you work well together, and where do you need to improve? Giving real thought to these issues will help you feel more confident and more prepared to tackle major issues within your relationship.

It can affect intimacy

A lack of confidence also often makes itself known in the bedroom for both men and women. Not only can a lack of comfort lead to an inability to perform or enjoy the moment, but it can also lead to performance anxiety. In men, this is often expressed through premature ejaculation, and in women through vaginal dryness.

Instead of allowing a lack of confidence to affect your sex life, speak with your partner about your insecurities beforehand so you can find different ways to approach the situation and prevent it from interrupting your intimate life.

Perhaps that means changing up positions, including more foreplay, or testing the waters with non-penetrative sex. If you still struggle with these issues, however, consider speaking with a doctor about a topical spray that allows men to last longer in bed, or a water-based lubricant that makes sex more comfortable for women. Whichever way you approach it, taking matters into your own hands will give you the confidence to relax into the moment and enjoy the closeness with your partner in a way that’s pleasurable for both of you.

It can make you insecure in your partner

All too often, a lack of confidence can cause you to project your insecurities and become hyper-critical of your partner’s actions or insecure in their feelings toward you. This can manifest in anger, put-downs, or self-sabotage of your own relationship.

If you notice these behaviors in yourself, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Explain to them where your anger is coming from and devise a plan on how to move forward in a healthier way. Often, couples facing these struggles find success in couple’s counseling, where both you and your partner can discuss relational changes you wish to see and revisit what you both consider to be “real love”. Reconnecting with your partner and sharing your thoughts about your love should help improve your confidence in yourself and in your relationship.

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Why Are We Attracted To The Wrong People?

So the other day I was listening to music. I was in a musical time machine looking at classic R&B and Hip hop videos from back in the day. And then I stumbled onto this song from the Music Artist Wale called “Bad.” It really made me think about why we are attracted to people that we know aren’t good for us. And of course this goes for men and women.

The song(Video Below) can have several interpretations. I see it as the woman (Tiara Thomas) in the video is damaged due to bad or toxic relationships in her past. And because of that she develops strong trust issues. She’s never been shown love in a relationship so she doesn’t know how to reciprocate it.

She states in the song.

“Is it bad that I never made love?
No, I never did it
But I sure know how to fuck
I’ll be your bad girl, I’ll prove it to ya
I can’t promise that I’ll be good to ya

‘Cause I had some issues
I won’t commit, no, not havin’ it”

The only level that she can bond with her man is on a sexual level and once that need is fulfilled she leaves not able to stay committed to him due to her trust issues and insecurities stemmed from past relationships.

The Man in the video(Wale) knows she may not be good for him due to her issues but comes at her anyway even acknowledging the paradox himself. Which finally leads me to the Topic.

“Bad girls ain’t no good, and the good girls ain’t no fun
And the hood girls want a smart nigga
College girls all want a thug
So it seems that we fiend what we don’t need
Got a thing for a queen who know when to leave“

Which finally leads me to the Topic. Why do we “fiend” for what we don’t need?

Why Do Men knowingly Date “Bad” Women?

We Love The Rush

First I’ll start with the Men. I think we just get off on dating the “crazy” women. It gives us a rush. Especially when we are younger. We overlook that quiet girl in the corner for a girl that gives us more excitement. On top of that we want the women that everyone else wants, so the women that draws the most attention are usually who we are drawn to ourselves.

Some guys also love the back and forth with their women. They want a women who they can argue with all day. Some guys get off on that. Hell there’s some guys that even like getting hit by their women or even the extremes like weapons being pulled out and things like that. It’s really the unpredictability that gives men that rush.

Some Men Are “Savers”

There are some men who have a savior complex. They mess with someone who they know is not good for them or someone who is toxic. And instead of leaving them alone so the person can heal or fix themselves. They attempt to “save” them. In turn they take on all the baggage and pain the person may have had during previous relationships.

For example if the man was dealing with the type of woman that was in the video. Knowing what type of woman she is wouldn’t scare him away it would only make him desire her more. He would believe that her being with him would help alleviate her pain and distrust and that would save her.

Some Men Are Fixers

A “Fixer” and a “Saver” may sound similar but the difference is a saver will date or be drawn to someone they may feel pity or bad about but they will still accept them for who they are. While a fixer will instead try to mold the person into who they think they should be. If they are with a broken person they will try to put the pieces back together.

Again using the woman from the video as an example. The man dealing with her will try to change or “fix” her. He will try to change her from a “Bad” girl to a “Good” Girl. The girl in the video is a woman who bounces from person to person due to her commitment issues. The man knowing that she isn’t good for him would try to fix her by trying to turn her into a loyal faithful woman. Even though there are other options out there for him he will still go out of his way to try to change her.

Why Do Women Knowingly Date “Bad” Men

They Love The Excitement

Women, especially younger women love excitement. And the “Bad” Men definitely bring excitement. On top of that they tend to have the cool factor going for them which is a plus. Also like the men they love the rush that they tend to get from these guys. These kind of guys tend to usually be involved in some type of drama or even danger that gets women excited.

On top of that these men tend to be very unpredictable. It’s more exciting dealing with someone where you don’t know what’s going happen rather than the man where you can predict everything he’s about to do.

Women Like To “Tame The Beast”

Everyone likes an anti-hero. You know the character that starts off as a bad mysterious person but over time in the story gets some character development and becomes a pseudo good person while still having some of those “Bad Traits”. Some examples would be Michael Corelone from the Godfather, Jack Sparrow, Punisher, Wolverine and Deadpool(for you younger people)

Some women LOVE anti-heros and love those traits in their men. There are many examples of this. There are women that try to change street thugs into productive members of society while still keeping their street edge. There are some women who are attracted to a man who may have a reputation for being with alot of women and try to change him into a loyal faithful one women man in an attempt to tame him. Then there are women who simply love the “Bad Boys” but want them to only be good to them.

While all of these examples are very unrealistic it doesn’t stop them from being attracted to them and the idea that can change them or make them conform.

Some Women Are “Savers” Too

I talked about this “savior complex” with the men and while I personally believe men do this more. I also believe women fall harder when having this complex. Women for the most part are way more nurturing then men. So when they find a broken man with a sob story and a bunch a baggage. They are way more emotionally invested in him. Way more invested into building him back and at times taking care of him. Sometimes a the relationship can mirror a mother and son relationship rather than a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. Which of course isn’t healthy.

And even when she finds out that he isn’t good for her. She is so emotionally invested in this process of building him back up. That if she walks away and breaks it off. In her head she’ll see it as a failure and a waste of time on her part. So she convinces her self to stay until dealing with problems that may come with it.

What Do You Think?

Do you agree/disagree? Why do YOU think we are attracted to the wrong people? Feel free to give to your opinion and your personal experiences in the comment section below. Like, Share and Subscribe.

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Dating The Narcissistic Woman: 5 Traits of a Narcissist

It seems like more and more people I see are either narcissist or exhibit narcissistic tendencies or traits and that goes for men and women. I don’t know if it’s because of the generation we live in now where everyone wants to be the center of everything and craves attention. Whether thats through social media or through other outlets.

The traits of a narcissist can be extremely toxic to the people around them. And the closer you are to them the worse it will be. Which is why dating or potentially marrying one can be very dangerous. For this particlar article I will be highlighting women. Alot of you guys may be with a narcissist woman and don’t even know. Some of you may have already dealt with one or even several of these types of women. But without further ado I present the 5 Traits of a narcissistic Woman

The Center Of Attention

The narcissistic women tends to lack empathy and self awareness. Because of that she can be extremely delusional. She truly believes that everything revolves around her and always have to be the center of attention. She gets jealous quickly and hates to share the spotlight with anyone.

She will alienate you from your friends, your family and anyone you hold dear. She has to be the only one in your life. She’ll employ many tactics to keep you from seeing friends or love ones. She’ll start random arguments before you leave. Then there is the silent treatment to make you feel guilty for leaving and she may even coax you into sex just to keep you home and by her side.

She’ll chastise you over little things like not liking her pictures on social media. Or over not giving her enough attention and a narcissistic woman can never get enough attention. Because of that she will question your loyalty because of it. If she feels as though she’s lacking that attention from you.

She’ll have no problem getting it from someone else. She may either break it off with you and date someone else. Or if for some reason she can’t easily break up with you she will just talk to other men behind your back. Or even in front of you if she is bold enough. If caught she’ll claim they’re just friends. Or she’ll play the victim role to guilt trip you.

The Walking Victim

The narcissistic woman tends to have a defense mechanism whenever she is called out on her bs. She turns into a victim. A Walking Victim is what I call it. It’s a very powerful card that she can play to flip the narrative on anything. You catch her in a huge lie, she plays the card. You catch her destroying your property and take her to court, she plays the card. You catch her in the act of fucking another guy on camera with three other eye witnesses, yes you guessed it. She will play the card.

She will never take the blame for anything she does. If you and her break up. It will always be your fault no matter what she did. If you ask her about her past relationships she will never tell you what she did. However she will give you a very detailed explanation on everything her ex or exes did to her.

She is incapable of accepting blame or criticism. She will turn everything back at you. Or change the subject. Or bring up things that has nothing to do with the conversation. When she gets caught and she isn’t able to control the narrative she may have a meltdown where she’ll cry or even react violently. If that happens ALWAYS leave quickly.

Bow Down To The Queen

The narcissistic woman is very self centered and looks at herself as a goddess. She expects everyone to worship the ground she walks on including her man. She expects him to “Bow Down To The Queen” She doesn’t look at her man as an equal she sees him as a servant like everyone else.

Or at times she even sees him as competition. She can be very high maintenance, superficial and materialistic and comes across as very entitled. She’ll also downplay that by telling you that she’s spoiled or likes to be spoiled. That’s a red flag.

Her image is very important to her so when she dates, the only men that she considers are men that are positive for her image. Her standards are very high which isn’t a bad thing. However she doesn’t date for love she dates to impress her friends and family and even strangers. You see she gets off being the center of attention. So she uses you as her trophy man. Someone who makes other women jealous including her friends. Someone she can take pictures with on Instagram so she can show off to everyone.

As I said the narcissistic woman sees herself as a goddess. If you don’t “Bow Down To The Queen”. She will find you very replaceable. It doesn’t take much for her to find another servant. If you don’t kiss her feet and shower her with infinite praise she will just find another guy to do it. Narcissist in general are takers not givers. She will take everything from you and suck you dry. And move on to the next man when she gets bored with you or finds another man that has more to take.

Negative Energy

A Genuine Woman has the ability to give you power and give you life. The Narcissistic woman however is an energy drainer. She takes from you and gives nothing in return. Her life is full of drama. She exudes nothing but negativity energy. That she covers up with self grandeur and seduction to fool her man.

Because she’s often the center of attention she will get herself into many problems. Problems at the workplace, problems outside and problems online. She will put all of that negative energy on you venting her frustrations and because she’s a walking victim. Every problem she has will always be someone else’s fault. She is very negative often belittling people and tearing them down. Very quick to judge and criticize others even people close to her such as family and close friends.

Master Manipulator

The narcissistic woman can be very dangerous in many ways. I even think they can potentially be more dangerous then their male narcissist counter parts. If a narcissistic woman knows what she can get away with. She can ruin your life, reputation or in some situations even end your life. And will move on and have no real sorrow or empathy afterwards.

She can play the victim and turn her friends against you. Or even turn your friends and family against you. She can control the narrative alot easier than her male counterpart. She can control it so well that she can paint you as the toxic one in the relationship. She’ll have everyone thinking you are the bad guy. That you are the one that doesn’t appreciate her.

She may lie and form stories about you to sway favor to her side knowing that people will believe her. Even sometimes going as far as telling people that you physically abused her or did other things to her that could lead to you yourself being hurt or even arrested. The narcissistic women is definitely some thing to avoid.

Like, Share and Subscribe and remember “Love Is Confusing But We’ll Get Through It Together. “

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