LoveIsConfusing

"Love Is LOYALTY, SACRIFICE and COMPROMISE."

Lifestyle

Love Q&A #1

    I want to try something different. The same blog format after awhile gets pretty boring. It’s usually the lists of why you should do this or why you should do that. Why you should buy this product. 

How about I get my audience engaged because you guys are the reason I do this to be honest. 

    What I have in mind is that you give me three or more questions about Love, Relationships even questions about myself if you want and also something you want me to promote whether its a website, or a product or anything you want advertisement for and I’ll shout you out promote you and then answer whatever questions you ask me. Comment it below and whatever I promote has to be family-friendly please. I’ll be doing these weekly or bi weekly depending on my schedule. 

   Now I already have three questions I will answer from a friend of mines. Her name is Shy Roper. She blogs and has an online store, Unique Decadence where she sells cakes, cup cakes, cookies and alot of other things that she bakes herself. 

   

   So if you ever have a sweet tooth Unique Decadence is the way to go. She’s a “Small Person With a  Small Business Sharing HUGE Flavor.” I personally has had some of her baked goods. They are mouth watering and if you need a wedding cake for that special day she does that too. You can check out her blog at https://uniquedecadencebakery.wordpress.com and also her online store at https://squareup.com/store/unique-decadence. Now without further ado its time for me to answer some questions.

Shy: Can men and women have just a plutonic friendship. No strings attached. No ulterior motives?

LoveIsConfusing: If this was the old Xavier. High School Xavier. I would probably have a different answer. I had zero plutonic friends with women. If I was friends with a woman it was probably something I wanted out of her at some point. But as time went on and I matured as a person that changed. 

   Fast forward to now and I probably have more female friends then guy friends surprisingly and they are all plutonic friendships. Everything shouldn’t have to be about sex whether you are single or in a relationship. You should be able to hang out with someone and not feel like your obligated or pressured to do something you don’t want to. You should be able to go out to dinner, watch a movie, or just chill and drink a beer without feeling like he or she(mostly he) wants something out of it. So to answer your question….yes, yes you can have a plutonic friendship with the opposite sex.

Shy: How do you feel about gender roles in relationships?

LoveIsConfusing: I don’t believe in gender roles. The fact that some people still do baffles me to be honest. The kitchen isn’t just limited for women and fixing things around the house isnt limited to just men. In a relationship you’re a team. Anything that needs to be done should just be done. You should be helping eachother out. Even if there are designated jobs in the household. If your partner usually takes out the trash and he forgot, take it out. If your partner isn’t feeling too well and usually cooks for the family you step in and cook. 

   I came from a family growing up with all females and I was expected to learn how to cook, clean, wash clothes, fold clothes, Iron clothes etc. etc. The crazy thing is alot of women are suprised that I even know how to do those things. I thought growing up that those were normal things for anyone growing up but I do know not that alot of guys either don’t know how to. Or expect their woman to do it for them.

Shy: If a woman hits a man can a man hit her back?

LoveIsConfusing: Well first off I don’t believe a woman should put her hands on a man at all unless she is in danger. But with that being said no he shouldn’t. I’m not saying he should sit there and let himself get beat up but its just not worth it. It’s best to just walk away from the situation. If you hit her back and she calls the police you are getting arrested. If she get other people involved like a brother, father friends etc. You become a target. 

   The only time hiting a woman is even an option is if your life is in danger. If you are cornered and can’t get away rather than hit her you could move or push her out your way and make you way towards an exit. I was raised to never hit any woman and I believe you probably shouldn’t hit anyone at all period.

This was the first question and answer post I will try to do these every week maybe twice a week. Post your questions below. Thank you for your time and remember “Love Is Confusing But We’ll Figure It Out Together”

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How Does Timing Affect Relationships?

Have you ever met someone who you felt is right for you? The right look, the right personality and almost everything swings towards your preferred preference, but…..the timing was just wrong. Maybe the person just got out a tough relationship and wasn’t ready or they were leaving for college that was halfway across the country. You can find someone who is great for you and the timing just is not right. You begin to think, If you both met years before or years after things would have worked out for the better. Sometimes you both may have to decide whether to wait until the time is right or give up on that great person all together. Time is definitely mans greatest enemy.

I have had times where I looked back at old relationships and thought, if I had the right mindset or was in a slightly different situation, things would possibly be different. Maybe if I was more financially secure or even more mature certain problems would not have arisen. I have had times where I would talk to women that were great, but they were so emotionally damaged from past relationships that they just couldn’t trust anyone anymore. What if I met her before the heartaches? We could have been something more or things could have been different.

Do you wait for the right time?

Honestly, I think it depends. If you are already with someone and you both put some time in the relationship, it may be wise for you both to wait. Now, I’m not a big fan of “breaks” in a relationship and one day I will explain why. However, it could be the best alternative then simply giving up. There was a situation where a friend was dating a guy all throughout college and after they graduated they both moved home. They both lived in the same state, but very far from one another.

For personal reasons, at the time neither could move to be closer to the other and the distance caused problems in their relationship. So, in that scenerio they cared deeply for each other, both were right for each other, but the timing just was not right. However, they didn’t give up. They took a break. Time passed, they focused on themselves, still keeping in contact with one another, and eventually things worked out where he could move closer to her and they were able to continue their relationship.

Personally, I feel as though if you are not together it may be wise to move on. You and the person may have a lot in common and have great chemistry and you may even have that spark, but time is extremely valuble. You may not have time to wait until they get over that ex and is ready to take things seriously. You may not have time to wait until they have a more manageable schedule or until they can move closer. You may may not have time to wait until he/she matures. Etc etc. It might be better to just tell them that you like them alot but you two can’t be. Of course give them the reason as well and move on to someone that better fits you at that time and maybe if the stars align right somewhere down the line you can try again…maybe.

It really sucks and emotions often get in the way. You may feel as though you will never meet this kind of person again and try to force things and the relationship becomes a train wreck as a result. There is nothing worse than having something that may be right for you where either you can’t have it at that time or you can’t enjoy it while you have it.

How do know if its the right time?

Life is so random and often changing that it is almost impossible to really know if it’s the right time. Sometimes you may not be ready and have to get yourself right. I had another friend where her boyfriend wanted to take a break because he had financial problems and wanted to work them out before they could continue their relationship. I believe they could have worked it out without the break, but he didn’t think it was the right time for them. Although she was extremely hurt she waited and he eventually found a new job and they got back together and is still together to this day.

It’s just really crazy when you think about it. Me and my girlfriend, my lady, my Queen (I know, I’m being extra) mesh extremely well. Its safe to say we are right for each other. I think about how it would be if I met her two years ago and we dated. She lived in a different state, worked and went to school, and of course was very busy. During that time, I also worked a hell of alot. Crazy hours and truthfully wasn’t exactly stable in life at that time. Despite how well we meshed we wouldn’t have worked out. It wouldn’t have lasted. The timing just wouldn’t have been right. Fast forward to now. We live alot closer. Our schedules aren’t perfect by any means due to us both working a lot but we still have time for each other and it works.

Timing can be the difference between a miserable relationship or a Great one. A successful marriage or one that leads to a divorce. If you are having problems in your relationship right now, try to take a step back and ask yourself “Is the timing right??” If you’re a guy thats complaining about being “friend-zoned”. She may need time to figure things out about herself. It may not be the right time. Orrrr you just might be doomed and need to move on to someone else. Welp there goes some of my male audience, but I just couldn’t resist that one. I hope everyone has a terrific day. Thank you for reading. Like, Share and Subscribe and remember “Love Is Confusing But We’ll Figure It Out Together.”

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Love At First Sight Is A Myth

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Okay, okay I know I have been gone for a little while. I needed some time to brainstorm different things I wanted to talk about and also I have a pretty busy schedule so there’s that. However you didn’t come here for my little excuses. You came here because maybe you actually care about my opinion and my opinion you shall get. This will be short but its something I have been thinking about.

When you first meet someone what stands out to you? Is it the way they dress? Their figure or shape? How attractive they are or maybe their smile? Have you ever looked at someone for the first time and thought to yourself that this person was the one and you start fantasizing about your future together, marriage and children? Have you ever thought you had experienced falling in love at first sight?

Okay, I’m done playing 21 questions but what I’m going to discuss today is love at first sight. Is it really a thing? Can people really fall in love with someone just by seeing them and again no I’m not talking about a celebrity. I’m talking about real people that you actually have a shot with. I don’t think you can fall in love at first sight with someone and here are my reasons why.

Love takes time

Love may be confusing but I know one thing it is not instant. To truly love someone I believe you have to get to know them. You can’t love someone you don’t know. Or better yet you can’t love someone you know nothing about. You meet them and build a relationship overtime whether its simply a plutonic relationship or an intimate one and that’s how your love for them builds.

Now you can like someone at first sight. That usually means the other person made a great first impression. Now I know alot of people are going to argue against this post and say that they seen their partner, fell in love, got together and been married for many years. And if so that is really a great thing but I’d have to argue that maybe it wasn’t love.

Maybe you just liked the person and something drew you to each other. Maybe physical attraction, the way they dressed, the way they smelled or maybe even the way they smile. Those things drew you together and overtime it evolved into love and then you got married and hopefully lived happily ever after.

I honestly think their are stages to it. You initially like the person. Then you really like them. Then you love them. Then you fall in love. Then you get to the point where you feel like you can’t live without them. (Which is a curse and blessing) My point is there are levels to it and yea you may skip a stage but there is no way in my opinion that you can meet someone and skip to love or falling in love with them. It may just be something other than love.

Movies/Shows Brainwashes Us

A lot of people get their ideas of love from things that are totally unrealistic. From a young age watching disney movies and other cartoons. To an adolescent and adult age watching reality shows and movies. We see that Prince gaze at the Princess fall in love and live happily ever after and when we get older we try to emulate it.

However when we get older we don’t think about if that Prince knows anything about her besides the fact that shes beautiful or if she knows anything other than he’s handsome and rich. Also we don’t even know if they truly live happily ever after because their story ends when the credits roll.

Same goes for movies they follow that same concept and you know what happens we develop a unrealistic view on reality. We look for that prince charming or innocent princess usually starting in middle school or high school and instead of living happily ever after we get ourselves hurt. After that we probably think subconsciously “Well the Princess in the story never got cheated on nor did the Prince ever get dumped. What happened?”

There is no perfect person. We set ourselves up for failure when we expect to find that person lock eyes with them and expect everything to take care of itself. We can’t let movies or shows dictate or influence how he we view love or relationships. Love isn’t something that can so easily be acted out.

I’m not saying you can’t meet someone hit it off, be married the next day and eventually die together. Stranger things have happened but its usually something other than love that got you attracted in the first place. My personal preference though is that you take your time. Even if you get that good vibe from them at first because you never truly know anyones intentions when you first meet them. You can’t judge a book by its cover. You shouldn’t count your chickens before they hatch and you shouldn’t predict a future with anyone before you get to truly know them. Thank you for reading. Like, Share and Subcribe and remember “Love Is Confusing But We’ll Figure It Out Together.”

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Three reasons to NOT Rush Into A Relationship

 

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In this generation everything is so fast paced. Everything is expected to be instant. Our lives nowadays are comparable to a fast food drive through. We want it quick, fast and hot. If things take too long we lose interest and hop on to the next thing and rinse and repeat. Hell 75% of the readers wont even read this sentence because they already scanned to the next paragraph or probably just hit the like button and continued with their day. But I digress.

When it comes to relationships and also marriage I feel people rush to quickly into it for all the wrong reasons. Relationships now are fast paced as well with so many dating sites out there. Also with social media in general it’s so easy to communicate with each other no matter where we are at. There are some people that rush into relationships and never even physically met the other person becoming susceptible to cat fishing and basically getting played. It seems hopping in and out of relationships is pretty normal now.

However things are not like a Disney movie where the prince meets the princess. They lock eyes, all of a sudden they are best friends,love every little thing about each other, get married and live happily ever after. I mean is it possible? It totally is but so is winning the Power Ball and how many of you have won that? Do jobs just pick out random people on the street and offer them jobs. No. They bring you in and ask you questions to see if you are a fit for them. Sometimes there is the online application, the phone interview and lastly the in person interview, sometimes more than one.

Now what does that sound like? It sounds like dating. If they hire an employee too quick it could mean a waste of time and money if that person doesn’t pan out. I think people should take dating the same way. Now I know I sound harsh and negative especially after my last very positive post but hey I’m just being realistic and with that I present my opinion on rushing into relationships.

Start Out With Friendship

I honestly think when you are friends first the relationship lasts longer. The person you date should be your best-friend. You wouldn’t want to date a stranger would you? I feel many people do just that. They have a boyfriend and girlfriend and can’t even tell you their favorite color. Their favorite song. Their favorite food. You know basic stuff. Back then you would go on dates, hang out and get to know each other. Feel each other out to see if you two were compatible and then make it official. Now it’s you text a little bit. Face time each other take some pictures for Snap chat and now you are a couple.

Before I date someone I’d like to know what their goals are in life. I like to ask questions even simple ones. Just because I want to know the person that I’m going to be possibly investing my time in and I don’t know about you but time especially my time is very valuable. I also invite them to ask me questions because hey she might be right for me but I might not be right for her and it’s something I’d want her to know before we even enter a relationship.

I want to hang out with her see how we mesh together because talking on the phone and texting can only tell you but so much about a person. Someone can say all the right things on the phone and via text but be an asshole or a totally different person when you are around them. You really want to know who are dating before you start showing them off to everyone and changing your relationship status.

Don’t Rush a Relationship For Sex

“We’re not having sex until we are together.” How many woman have said those words or at the very least a variation of that? Now when guys hear that there are some guys who will respect that. However when you are messing with a man and that’s all they want in the first place. They will of course try to “speed” things up. Try to make things official sooner so that they can get what they are after. Some men will then find a way to break up with you after they get it or just straight up split and the others will stay.

The relationship will turn into a sex driven relationship because that was his main motivation for getting with you in the first place. He’ll know your favorite sex position before he even knows your birthday or hobbies. Most of his questions about you will be sex oriented. Point is the relationship will be rushed because the man is thinking about his needs rather than the relationship and relationships like that rarely turns out well.

Now with woman its a little different for one I haven’t met a guy who would hold off on sex until he and she made it official but if he is out there “He is the real MVP!” Jokes aside I think there way more incentive for a man to speed up the dating phase just to have sex than a female. However woman may do it as well especially younger couples.

If a woman is having sex with a guy and they aren’t together it makes her look bad. I’ve touched on this before in my Men and Women Double Standard post. So a woman might want to make things official with a man she is talking to and also sexually attracted to so she won’t be looked at in that light. Because things got rushed for that reason the relationship can also turn into a sex oriented relationship and those usually don’t last too long.

You Rush Because Everyone Is In A Relationship.

You see all your friends they all seem perfectly happy with their significant others. You’re often the third wheel on outings. Seeing your friend make out with their partners in front of you. You open up Facebook and see all the nice relationship quotes and memes on your timeline. You see someones status. “Omg just had so much fun with bae” or see a picture of someone kissing or cuddling. You sit down and turn on Netflix with no one to chill with. You watch some romantic movie. Or flip to some romantic show on TV and say to yourself “Damn must be nice.”

I hope I didn’t hit anyone too hard but a lot of people rush into relationships because of pressure. They see everybody around them in seemingly perfect relationships and feel left out. They may feel a void in their lives and feel the need of a boyfriend or girlfriend to fill it. You all know that person that’s always have to be with someone. They can’t ever be single for long, that hopeless romantic. Or they see a couple and want what they have so they rush into things with someone.

People may question why are you still single? Or tell you that you shouldn’t be single. Pressuring you into being in a relationship when it might not be time for you yet. You may still need time to find yourself. You may still be recovering from a past break which leads me into my last point.

Rushing Into A Relationship To Get Over The Last Relationship.

This a huge one right here. I have seen a lot of people just hop into relationships right after their last relationship fail. It’s something I have been guilty of in the past. Especially after a long relationship you get used to being with someone. So after you break up you still yearn for that companionship. Instead of taking the time to heal you look for someone else to cover that wound or fill that void.

You basically look for that rebound person but your not thinking about them. You’re not dating them because of them you are dating because of you. So you can feel better about yourself. Or possibly so you can stick it to your ex. Make them see that you appear happy without them. Faking a smile in your pictures with your new girlfriend/boyfriend knowing you haven’t got over them.

Its not very fair to the person you are with either. They have to deal with that baggage. They have to deal with a damaged you. Rarely can a person that just got out of a long term relationship give some one else 100% of themselves. I believe if a relationship is to work you can’t give less than that. You should probably go solo for awhile give yourself time to figure out exactly what you want. Give yourself time to heal. If someone tries to pressure you into rushing things don’t be afraid to tell them that you need time to yourself.

Now I’m not saying that you have to take a year to decide on being with someone, or even a month. I’m just saying before you start into a serious relationship you should get to know the person that you will be investing your time in. You shouldn’t go in it for all the reasons. You risk hurting the person you are with and more importantly risk hurting yourself. A lot of the time patience is a very good thing. Taking a little time to wait can save you from a long road of head and heartache. I hope everyone enjoyed reading. I am really loving the support I been getting. You are all awesome! Like, Share and Subscribe. Remember, “Love is confusing but we’ll figure it out together.”

 

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Three Steps To Loving Yourself

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Three Steps To Loving Yourself

“Love is Joy. Love is Pain. Love is Selfish. Love is Sacrifice. Love is confusing”….. If you have been paying attention those words are written at the top of this page and yes that is my hand up there. That phrase and the contradictions of the sentences explains the theme of this blog. Seriously love doesn’t always make sense. Sometimes you care deeply for someone and honestly don’t even know the reason. You just do.

However do you want to know what makes sense? It’s something called Self Love. You need not to question why you love yourself. Yes, I shouldn’t even have to sell you on loving yourself, it ought to simply be natural. You should just wake up out of the bed, look in the mirror, give yourself a wink, smile and ask yourself. “What could I do today to improve my life and boost my happiness”…….If only it was that easy right?

This probably should have been my first post, I mean how can you love anyone else if you don’t love yourself? I often hear that love is wanting more for someone than you want for yourself. Which is true….to an extent. But I believe for someone to live in happiness, self-love should be greater than anything. People sometimes confuse that to being selfish but there is a difference between loving yourself and being narcissistic. Just like there is a difference between confidence and cockiness. There is nothing wrong with wanting the absolute best for one’s self. There is nothing wrong with knowing one’s self worth. I’ve seen people in relationships love so hard that over a course of a long relationship they forget how to love themselves and when the relationship is over they look lost. I know that feeling personally to be honest. Now without further ado here’s three steps to loving yourself.

Figure out who you are

You can’t love someone you don’t know, right? And no celebrities don’t count! Point is though a lot of people don’t know who they really are and that is why they struggle with being able to love themselves. Over the course of time people may lose or change their identities and sometimes aren’t even aware of it.

Even myself, after I broke up with the same person I have been messing around with for three good years, I honestly didn’t know who I was. I had put so much time and effort into loving her that I wasn’t too worried about myself. I did things for her that I wouldn’t even do for myself and don’t get me wrong this isn’t me making her the bad guy.

She was cool, I did those things because I wanted to do them. I wanted to make her happy but however I wasn’t thinking about making my own happiness. I thought by making her happy I would be happy in return and maybe I was. But after we broke up and I could no longer make her happy.

Where was I getting my source of happiness from? I didn’t know who Xavier was anymore. I didn’t know what made him happy. I didn’t know what he wanted. I was lost but once I started to get to know myself and start answering those questions I was able to start slowly loving myself again. Doing things to make me happy and doing things to improve my life.

There’s also a lot of people who think they know who they are but they really don’t. Sometimes you wonder why there are people who do harm to themselves. With drugs or always in self-harming situations they can probably get out of themselves. Over time they lost sight of themselves and it happened so gradually that they weren’t even aware of it. It’s like growing up with someone and seeing them everyday do you notice them change maybe not. But if you had seen them when they were young and see them some years later you notice a huge physical and mental difference.

Also I feel as though in my generation it’s so cool to be a follower. To be someone else. Everybody wants to be the guy next to them and that guy wants to be you. People pop pills because the guy next to him is doing it and with Facebook and other social media it’s actually pushed on us to follow the next person, share this and share that. If you don’t have your own identity how can you love yourself? While happiness is in self-love. The first step to loving yourself is to know who “yourself” actually is.

Accept Yourself

Sometimes people can know exactly who they are and guess what? They still don’t know how to love themselves for that exact reason. They can’t accept themselves. Maybe a women isn’t looking how society wants her to look. She’s not a size zero and wasn’t blessed with “assets” and looks at magazines all day designed to kill her self-esteem.

Maybe that guy isn’t 6’5 ripped to shreds with a perfect smile. Watching the football game wishing he could switch places. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and of course there’s plastic surgery, steroids and other enhancements but that’s a conversation for a different day. You have to embrace your “flaws” or imperfections. If you don’t like what you see in the mirror then you will assume no one does.

The problem is affecting lot of people, instead of accepting themselves they look for others to accept them. They look for validation in others. Someone to tell them how beautiful they are. How cool they are. How funny they are. Someone to tell them “I love you.” Because deep down they don’t believe in self-love. Instead of loving and have happiness in themselves they keep seeking someone else to do it for them. To love the things about them that they are insecure about. That’s why people with low self-esteem usually have problem in loving themselves.

They end up in relationships where their happiness is all dependent on the other person’s affection. And if they are with the wrong person, the person may easily take advantage of them, even people who seem like they have all of it with each other could be doing this. Such as the super model you seeing, Miss America. Or the 6’5 football player I referenced in the last paragraph. Sometimes the most beautiful people have the hardest time with accepting themselves. It’s not always an easy thing to do, especially if those things you’re insecure about can’t be change. But how can you expect anyone to love you unconditionally if you don’t love and accept yourself. It’s something to think about.

Make yourself happy and improve your life.

After you’ve figured out who you are and accept it. Now the easy part in self love and happiness is to go out there and make yourself happy. Try to improve yourself, though I’m not going tell you EXACTLY how to do that. Everyone’s visions of happiness and their goals are different. Sorry I can’t give you all the answers.

Actually I’m not asking you to go out there and do something crazy, Like spending your life savings on a Ferrari or blowing your check on a Gucci bag because now you figured out somehow that those things make you happy. No, think of it as “dating yourself.” Go places you like, do things you like, hang around people you like, read things you like. *Like this blog. ;)* If you don’t know what you like then guess what? This is the perfect chance for you to find out! Experiment, try different things. Experience different things. You will be surprised with the outcome.

If you love yourself you would also like to improve yourself, am I right? Good. But this can’t be all fun and games. You always want to be a better person then you were before. Just because you embrace your “flaws” doesn’t mean you can’t improve on them. You can make a list of daily, short term and long term goals and work on them. You might want to be more financially secure, you may actually want that body of girl in that magazine.

In my case you might want your blog to blow up. This is my point! You shouldn’t want these things just because someone else has it. Or for validation from someone else. You are going to want to improve your life because YOU yourself wants to and when you are doing things that’s right for you…..it usually get done and bring happiness.

This is a process though, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not easy. You aren’t going wake up and have all the answers. It takes time to find yourself. By sticking to the theme of relationship I honestly think it’s good when you start this process in between relationship. That way, whenever you enter into your next one, you would be clear on exactly who you want and what you want out of the relationship.

If you truly love yourself loving someone else becomes so much easier. However, with self-love you will expect a little more from your partner, because you know your worth. Once you know your worth no one can ever low ball you or undersell you unless you let them. Also don’t forget that everyday is a chance to improve yourself. These are my thoughts tonight hopefully it resonates with people and maybe help influence them to change positively.

That first step is always the hardest step to make. Like, Share and Subscribe and remember “Love is confusing but we’ll figure this out together.”

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